Elephant

The dwarf spoke, "All truth is crooked."

Every time I ask the question, "What is true?" I inevitably end with the same answer: nothing. Aside from obvious physical truths, I can never seem to find objectivity in anything. In politics, in creation, in purpose, I always stop before this great, unbreachable wall, feeling that if only I could scale it, or break it, or peep through a crack in it, everything would be resolved.

Some simply ignore the elephant in the room. Others defer to the judgment of higher powers. I guess I do neither, finding little certainty or comfort, anxiously keeping my eyes on the elephant as I continue on past it. But it follows me for the most part, only leaving me when the room grows too hot or too dark. Yet as I've moved forward, we've grown closer, and I've realized that the elephant isn't a problem unless I make it to be one; it's just there, and there's really nothing I can do about it.

So does it really matter what happens to Schrodinger's cat? Does it really matter if there's anything behind the big wall obstructing truth?

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.

Choices

In Notes from The Underground, Dostoevsky satirizes an ideal "crystal palace" and the consequences of having such a utopia. In this crystal palace, where every problem has been remedied and only peace exists, individuals would begin to defy the norm simply to exert free will.

Well, lately I've been feeling like one of those individuals. With college admissions coming up soon, I know I'll have very little choice in deciding which one I attend, as the decision will be coming from my parents. They will want me to fulfill their idea of the "crystal palace"-what they think is best for me. And just like the "crystal palace," which is ideal in the eyes of many, a lot of people would be happy to be in my situation. However, I find myself discontent, wanting to disrupt the order of the crystal palace if only to have the power of choice. I find myself not necessarily acting in my best interest, but instead acting to show that I have some semblance of free will.

Reason

I've always tried to figure out everything with reason, and in a way, I've become a lot like Meursault from The Stranger. Meursault is an anomic character, unaccustomed to societal morals and values, who feels indifferent towards everything. Likewise, I often find myself not having an opinion on things, just letting things pass through me. One thing that really resonated with me, though not until today, when I was looking through old photos, was Meursault's reaction to his mother's death. Like Meursault, when my grandfather died two years ago, I didn't cry. In fact, just like Meursault, I only endured a fleeting sensation of grief, and then guilt, at his death. My need for objectivity, for rationality, for reason created a sense of absurd indifference in me. It wasn't that I consciously suppressed my emotions, it was just that I didn't feel like I had any. It wasn't until today, when I looked through photos of my grandparents, that I really felt sad.

Robert Solomon summarizes Nietzche in saying, "Unless we seek meaning from a different source, science is only going to promote nihilism, the sense that our world lacks value." I think I've tried to live on reason alone, which has led me to a sense of nihilism. Reason has led me down my path. Reason has led me to value honesty the most and to pursue "truth." Reason has led me to stop believing in a higher power. Reason has led me down the path to where I am, and I don't really know where I am now.

Age

This weekend was both my mom's and dad's birthday. For some reason, my mom didn't accompany my dad and I to dinner on her birthday-my family is just a bit strange I guess. We talked a lot about his life, and I asked a lot of questions about what he wanted to do in the future. After the conversation, I realized that at my age, its easy to believe in existentialist ideas but hard to live those ideas.

At this age, it's hard to have a purpose when we all are so focused on the future. It's difficult to truly live out a lifestyle that engages "Man's true purpose" when everyone is trying to get into college to get a job to get money. I feel so focused on what's happening to me now and what might lie in my future to really live in a philosophical way. Looking at my dad, who's already past the unforeseen future of his life, I can see how being older brings an entirely different perspective on life.

I guess this simple talk and subtle realization made me see a lot. Lately, I've been trying so hard to look at life through the truest lens I could find, which for me has taken the form of not being fixated on any lens at all. However, I think that it's impossible to not take stock in any lens, and therefore its inevitable that I contradict myself in the future.

But then again, maybe this is all just some transient lens I am seeing through.

asserting absolutes never works

We are all trying to connect the dots,
Trying to make something out of nothing,
Trying to compose, to invent, to create,
Trying to figure out the laws of life,
But that line we draw in the sky is man's
and not the sky's.

Blank Slate

We depend on our sight so much that when we travel into the darkness, we lose our sense of reality. In this blindness, it's as if we've closed our eyes and woken up in a dream-that is, without limitations. As we travel into the darkness, others are blind to our actions and we are blind to our own. As demonstrated by Kurtz, when we lose sight of ourselves for too long, we are capable of anything.

We are all just blank slates shaped and molded by our environment that can be influenced to do anything. We can find ourselves justifying radical ideas and soon after committing atrocities if our environment allows us to. The Crusades and the Holocaust are evidence of this. Rarely can/do people stand up to the influence of their environment.

Instinct and Logic

It seems that instinct often precedes logic. People justify their actions with reason and evidence only after their inclination has told them what to choose. In many instances, this inclination is set up by avarice. For example, in Heart of Darkness, the colonizers first followed their greed, then justified it by claiming superiority and the White Man's Burden. Similarly today, in politics, in ideals, and in religion, people follow their hearts and direct their minds to follow suit. This oftentimes allows for self-serving and inherently selfish actions, which one develops logical reasons to explain it only after the decision has been made. The greatest, most ingenious gear in the clockwork of this procedure, however, is that many don't realize the existence of this. This hand, nudging us along, telling us what to do, is invisible to the naked eye. One must look through a microscope and examine what it may be that really drives these decisions. Is it really always logic, or is it more often human nature?

Control and understanding of oneself comes when one at least toys with the possibility that his logic is only trailing in the wake of an invisible hand.