Reason

I've always tried to figure out everything with reason, and in a way, I've become a lot like Meursault from The Stranger. Meursault is an anomic character, unaccustomed to societal morals and values, who feels indifferent towards everything. Likewise, I often find myself not having an opinion on things, just letting things pass through me. One thing that really resonated with me, though not until today, when I was looking through old photos, was Meursault's reaction to his mother's death. Like Meursault, when my grandfather died two years ago, I didn't cry. In fact, just like Meursault, I only endured a fleeting sensation of grief, and then guilt, at his death. My need for objectivity, for rationality, for reason created a sense of absurd indifference in me. It wasn't that I consciously suppressed my emotions, it was just that I didn't feel like I had any. It wasn't until today, when I looked through photos of my grandparents, that I really felt sad.

Robert Solomon summarizes Nietzche in saying, "Unless we seek meaning from a different source, science is only going to promote nihilism, the sense that our world lacks value." I think I've tried to live on reason alone, which has led me to a sense of nihilism. Reason has led me down my path. Reason has led me to value honesty the most and to pursue "truth." Reason has led me to stop believing in a higher power. Reason has led me down the path to where I am, and I don't really know where I am now.

Age

This weekend was both my mom's and dad's birthday. For some reason, my mom didn't accompany my dad and I to dinner on her birthday-my family is just a bit strange I guess. We talked a lot about his life, and I asked a lot of questions about what he wanted to do in the future. After the conversation, I realized that at my age, its easy to believe in existentialist ideas but hard to live those ideas.

At this age, it's hard to have a purpose when we all are so focused on the future. It's difficult to truly live out a lifestyle that engages "Man's true purpose" when everyone is trying to get into college to get a job to get money. I feel so focused on what's happening to me now and what might lie in my future to really live in a philosophical way. Looking at my dad, who's already past the unforeseen future of his life, I can see how being older brings an entirely different perspective on life.

I guess this simple talk and subtle realization made me see a lot. Lately, I've been trying so hard to look at life through the truest lens I could find, which for me has taken the form of not being fixated on any lens at all. However, I think that it's impossible to not take stock in any lens, and therefore its inevitable that I contradict myself in the future.

But then again, maybe this is all just some transient lens I am seeing through.

asserting absolutes never works

We are all trying to connect the dots,
Trying to make something out of nothing,
Trying to compose, to invent, to create,
Trying to figure out the laws of life,
But that line we draw in the sky is man's
and not the sky's.