Age

This weekend was both my mom's and dad's birthday. For some reason, my mom didn't accompany my dad and I to dinner on her birthday-my family is just a bit strange I guess. We talked a lot about his life, and I asked a lot of questions about what he wanted to do in the future. After the conversation, I realized that at my age, its easy to believe in existentialist ideas but hard to live those ideas.

At this age, it's hard to have a purpose when we all are so focused on the future. It's difficult to truly live out a lifestyle that engages "Man's true purpose" when everyone is trying to get into college to get a job to get money. I feel so focused on what's happening to me now and what might lie in my future to really live in a philosophical way. Looking at my dad, who's already past the unforeseen future of his life, I can see how being older brings an entirely different perspective on life.

I guess this simple talk and subtle realization made me see a lot. Lately, I've been trying so hard to look at life through the truest lens I could find, which for me has taken the form of not being fixated on any lens at all. However, I think that it's impossible to not take stock in any lens, and therefore its inevitable that I contradict myself in the future.

But then again, maybe this is all just some transient lens I am seeing through.

asserting absolutes never works

We are all trying to connect the dots,
Trying to make something out of nothing,
Trying to compose, to invent, to create,
Trying to figure out the laws of life,
But that line we draw in the sky is man's
and not the sky's.

Blank Slate

We depend on our sight so much that when we travel into the darkness, we lose our sense of reality. In this blindness, it's as if we've closed our eyes and woken up in a dream-that is, without limitations. As we travel into the darkness, others are blind to our actions and we are blind to our own. As demonstrated by Kurtz, when we lose sight of ourselves for too long, we are capable of anything.

We are all just blank slates shaped and molded by our environment that can be influenced to do anything. We can find ourselves justifying radical ideas and soon after committing atrocities if our environment allows us to. The Crusades and the Holocaust are evidence of this. Rarely can/do people stand up to the influence of their environment.

Instinct and Logic

It seems that instinct often precedes logic. People justify their actions with reason and evidence only after their inclination has told them what to choose. In many instances, this inclination is set up by avarice. For example, in Heart of Darkness, the colonizers first followed their greed, then justified it by claiming superiority and the White Man's Burden. Similarly today, in politics, in ideals, and in religion, people follow their hearts and direct their minds to follow suit. This oftentimes allows for self-serving and inherently selfish actions, which one develops logical reasons to explain it only after the decision has been made. The greatest, most ingenious gear in the clockwork of this procedure, however, is that many don't realize the existence of this. This hand, nudging us along, telling us what to do, is invisible to the naked eye. One must look through a microscope and examine what it may be that really drives these decisions. Is it really always logic, or is it more often human nature?

Control and understanding of oneself comes when one at least toys with the possibility that his logic is only trailing in the wake of an invisible hand.

Exploring Truth

As I drove down the street in Burlingame after a day at the Pinnacles national monument, I felt a change. Suddenly the excitement of adventure and exploration vanished, and I slipped back into routine. The numbness towards stress, school, and the world quickly dissolved like waking up from a dream. And just like a dream, earlier in the day I had lost consciousness of the world; in a self-centered way, nothing else besides the moment had occurred to me.

I have always felt caught in between two worlds, and it's these kinds of moments that really take me away from one and put me in the other. It's these kinds of moments that I fear because I fear clarity. I don't want to know how everything is or how it should be or what truth is or isn't. I don't think truth exists. I enjoy being lost and confused, but only because it empowers me to explore and find a way out. Truth is an interesting concept because once you think you have it, there's nothing left to explore.

I believe that there's no corner that shouldn't be explored.




But then again, if someone enjoys knowing, then so be it. To each his own.

Not second semester senior year or the new year

Sometimes I wonder if people have truly changed over time. Technology, knowledge, government, lifespans, and the standard of living have improved, but, like the clothes we wear, they are superficial and do not define who we are. Most people would say that humans are defined by their emotions, which have not eroded despite the shifting tides of the world. Back then, even back before homo sapien sapiens, evidence shows signs of compassion, love, and altruism. Now, there are still genocides started out of fear and hate. Mankind hasn't really changed over the years; we've simply prolonged our existence.

Additionally, I believe every individual has maintained the same goal: to be content with themselves. That could mean biting the apple to satiate one's curiosity, filling one's house with material goods, or helping others in need. It's a destination with infinite paths to it, but it's ultimately self-centered. We are selfishly pursuing our own goal of happiness even in our selflessness. As time passes we all still reach for this goal.



Anyway, my point is we haven't really changed.

Like Puzzle Pieces...

I realize that my blogs are often ambiguous. The subject is usually less centered on a particular event and more focused on an idea. Also, they are frequently convoluted and even esoteric, but that is because writing is an outlet of the mind, and my thoughts themselves are convoluted and esoteric.

I see English class as a class of thinking, not of writing. Sentences and words are simply a medium through which we conduct our thoughts. Consequently, I find it difficult to articulate my ideas not because of a lack of writing skills, but rather a lack of thinking clarity. There are so many ways to look at the world, and no two views, like puzzle pieces, perfectly align. I have created lenses influenced by books, people, and experience, and these lenses come together to form a contorted, spiraled, inverted, jagged point of view. As a result, I do my best to avoid firmly asserting any generalizations about life, knowing that I am likely to change my stance in the future.

As my perspective broadens, my lens twists and turns even more. I am searching for a way of living my life that makes sense to me, but maybe not having a rigid lens is the only thing that makes sense to me. On some level, I hope I never find the strength, wisdom, or ignorance to assert the true nature of life.

But then again, maybe this is all just some transient lens I am seeing through.